Using the W word

I am thinking about the day we celebrated Jim in a memorial service on this date in 2010. We had music, balloons, laffy taffy, people from every part of his life and more. It was a “good” day. He was worth celebrating and remembering.

I hate the term widow. I don’t know why, but I do. Perhaps it is because I don’t see myself as singular, even though I am Maybe it is because it feels a bit like I have something wrong with me. Primarily I think it is because it feels definitive and I have better ways that I feel define me. Being a widow is not the only struggle I live with. It is not the main battle I fight daily. Everyone is wrestling with something and most people know nothing about it, but widowhood is so visible that it is what people focus on. Ugh.

Can I say that life doesn’t go easy on people because they have met their pain quotient?! All the other traumas, problems and tough situations from my life did not disappear when I got this current “ailment.” In fact, some of my personal battles are much harder than losing my person to cancer. There are things about every trial that shape who we are and remind us to lean in to His mercy and grace. The part that has made losing Jim tough is that he loved me, fought for me, encouraged me , prayed for me and challenged me through every one of my other painful and dark issues. Now I fight on without him. I am the one who has to remind myself that I am worthy and capable and can do hard things. And because of Jesus I know that He is faithful to complete what He started. (Phil.1:6) Trusting = Victory!