November 5th

This is a day seared into my memory forever. It is that mix of complete devastation and holy moments. It was a blend of wanting complete privacy and needing to allow everyone else to say their goodbyes. It is the worst day of my life and the hardest one I have ever known. It is the day Jim left earth for his forever home in heaven.

We were not made to die. We were not designed to be separated from those we love or live without family and community. Yet, since Eden, there is a gift called grief which is the capacity to acknowledge what we have lost. Jesus is the man of sorrows who was acquainted with grief. He knows what it is to lose and he walks with me in my losses every moment of every day.

I would never have known how to live without Jim, and I never thought I would be able to, but it has been 4384 days since I kissed him goodbye. I continue to wake up and thank God for each day before me and I know that I am not expected to just “get through it”. Because He carries me I can lay my head down every night one day closer to the long hello of heaven. Part of the gift of sorrow is the comfort of God’s presence.

The longer I carry the weight of this enormous sorrow it grows in familiarity. I adjust to it over time and can carry it better. I know I will not put it down until I reach heaven but I have found I can carry it with His help – one – day – at – a – time.