6 Month Anniversary
I am not sure if I am following any sort of “normal” grief pattern, or even if there is such a thing, but at 6 months I can say that for me the fog seems to be lifting in this valley, the shock is wearing off, and I am realizing that I have to make decisions and choices by myself from now on. Life looking forward is still overwhelming but at least there is more clarity of thought (haha,well maybe…?!). On the other hand, I have moved from numbness to emptiness. The intensity of my sorrow does not seem to have dulled. I am lonely and sad, but I am leaning hard into God’s mercy as I press on each day.
I am not, nor have I ever been a very patient person and I am at the point where I am not kind with myself. I don’t like that I am jumbled, forgetful, lost, unfocused, worried. But I would say I am most surprised by the physical dimension of sorrow. I did not expect the pain to be so literal. Most of all, as a 6 month old widow I want to say that it is well with my soul, but sometimes it hides behind my broken heart.
The common questions people have for me I will try to answer:
1. How are Finances?
I work full-time but don’t make enough to pay the rent. I have invested Jim’s life insurance so that I can supplement my income and pay the bills until the kids are both adults. For the record, I am very grateful for a job – any job in this economy – with benefits. I am working from home 2 days a week, which helps save on gas with the otherwise 50 mile round trip. I am not looking for anything else right now for a variety of reasons, even though this is job is not really the best fit with my strengths.
2. How are the kids?
Both the kids are doing pretty well. They have healthy outlets for expressing their grief which they use. They have loyal friends and enough people to listen and hug and care for them. Some days are harder than others.
3. What do you need?
I honestly do not know. I am grateful for the clever ways God abundantly provides often though creative and generous servants.