44 years later

Today marks my wedding anniversary. 8.23.80. Forty -four years ago I said yes to a lifelong adventure with Jim. We were able to enjoy that adventure for over 30 years..

There has been so much life with loss but also so much joy. I marvel at the life God gave me and the story He is writing that hopefully makes much of Him. This side of life there is such a different point of view and the things I thought were silly coincidences changed everything!

Since 2010, I have learned that there is no healing without first having something broken that needs to be fixed. I can’t grow if I’ve already learned it all. I don’t have anywhere to go if I have already arrived. The true gift of contented joy comes after knowing a darkness that one has to fight to see through. And, learning to grasp the gift of life being lived is sweeter after knowing the pain and sorrow after having the life once lived stripped away. Loss is not a gift, but grief and sorrow are. They honor what is lost. They stay with us when the lost one couldn’t. Sorrow and grief change us- even more than the loss. For 14 years I have been thanking God for a life, a husband and the plans we made together  that have been worth grieving when I lost both Jim and that life.

Whatever I’ve lost, whatever betrayal or trauma I’ve faced, I am learning still to honor it with my grief. Even though grief stays forever it is always changing just as I do. The days and years look differently today than they did before Jim died. Life ebbs and flows. No matter how dark it was during that cancer season in 2010 and no matter how it has changed or affected me since, it is a reminder that God is not finished writing my story and He walks with me every step of the way. He does the same for my kids.

I am not called to fix all the broken things. Only God can heal the wounds of this life.  My job is to pray and wait with hope in Jesus that He will heal it all and that He is able. He alone brings beauty from ashes. I continually remind myself to keep setting down the things that were never meant to be mine to hold. Today is another day to remember that Jim was mine to have and to hold and that ultimately my marriage was all just a foretaste of a life that will be even better and will last forever!  I am looking forward to that and waiting with my friends named sorrow and grief.

HappyAnniversary to me. #44 8.23.24