Tested Hope

After Jim passed, I had a very difficult time in corporate worship. I could hear Jim’s voice echoing in my memory as we sang, prayed and heard the proclamation of God’s Word. Sixteen years later and it is hard to remember as the sound waves of his voice have diminished. Yet I still have hope that someday I will join that in corporate worship again and hear that voice next to mine!

Nov. 5th was not the first time my hope was tested and it has not been the last. Everyday we have the opportunity to grow and maintain our tenacity to carry on. Everyday we have the chance to state the obvious – that God is good. All.The.Time. Both in the good times and the hard times God is good. Suffering, death and loss does not make God’s goodness any less true.  It is hard to see the goodness of God in suffering The answers to prayer God gave us were “No”. Though I wish the answers had been different and they were not good, I can still rest in the truth that God is good. It is his character. Even when he tells me no. Even when Jim’s healing was in heaven. Even when my person died. Even when I can’t see how to carry on or move forward. While knowing God is good does not lessen the loss or the pain. It is a reality that He loves me  – even when –  and he walks with me – even when.

My grief over losing Jim is still there;  he was a force and he left a huge and deep mark on my life. We loved deeply. And yet, I move forward, carrying my grief, but also carrying faith, joy and surrender, wrapped up in a hope that refuses to die. Since the last day that I saw and talked to Jim in person, I have laughed, traveled, worked hard and played at every opportunity.  I have moved both physically and forward while not moving on. I still remember the life we shared with joy. I love the life I lost. AND… I am grateful for the life that God has in front of me.

Until that day when I lay the grief down ….