In-Ten-se Emotions!

September 5, 2011 1 By Mirm

What's a Segway?  About 80 lbs!  (Jim joke)10 months ago Jim left planet earth, at least physically. So much of him remains by virtue of his memory and ministry and the mark he left. I dreamt about him all night – funny stuff  – both humorous and randomly odd! I woke up missing him more than ever!

There have been way too many “firsts” in the last few weeks (31 anniversary, Em’s birthday, beginning of school and college to name a few). Maybe that is why today was especially difficult. Maybe it is because the reality of life solo is a more predominant theme every day.  Maybe it is just because we miss Jim – everything about him. Perhaps that will never fade.

I get impatient with my grief.  I am tired of being stuck, and numb and sad…of feeling lost  and lonely and alone. I think about Abraham who left without knowing where he was going. I wonder if he ever felt like turning around and going “home”  to the familiar. I often wish I could have my “life” back. But he trusted in a good God and wherever he was the first thing he did was build an altar and worship. His “separation and suffering” was turned into grace and healing as he worshiped. I am learning to worship in this new place; This place I do not want to be and I do not hope to stay. It is not easy.

Today I was grateful for the “distraction” of spending time with one of my “kids” from Scottsdale. All those “kids” I have been privileged to know and love have shaped me and nurtured me. I am so blessed by their lives and knowing that God intended us to sharpen one another. What a privilege. What a joy. Glimmers of hope when I don’t see how I am going to make it. Memories dusted off to be cherished once again.