A Good Pun is its own reword

Happy 63rd Birthday to my Jim!  In honor of my funny honey, I have dubbed today “Corny Joke Day”; since he would have been 63 I have quite a list of groaners!

1. Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Then it would be a foot!
2. What do you call 2 crows? Attempted Murder.
3. Why did grandpa laugh at grandma’s curio cabinet?  He loves knick-knack jokes.
4. The number 13?! Not on my watch.
5. Why was the vulture not allowed to bring 2 dead raccoons on the plane? Only one carrion allowed!
6. Why did the Algebra teacher ban rubberbands? Because they were weapons of math disruption
7. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
8. Why should you avoid buying anything with velcro?  It’s a total rip off
9. The rotation of earth really makes my day.
10. What’s brown and sticky? A stick
11. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? Irrelephant
12. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Hellafino
13. Is the pool safe for diving? It deep ends
14. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
15. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match
16. Why did the invisible man turn down the job? He just couldn’t see himself doing it
17. What is 4 letters, sometimes is 9 letters but never is 5 letters
18.  Dry erase boards are remarkable
19. Did you hear the song about the tortilla? It’s actually more of a wrap
20. Learn sign language – it’s very handy
21. Did you hear the pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s pretty cheesy!
22. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool
23. What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know but the flag is a big plus.
24. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out!
25. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A Meowtain
26. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
27. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
28. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
29. When my flashlight went dead I was delighted
30. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
31. Dreaming in color is a pigment of your imagination
32. The shovel was a ground breaking invention
33. Can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire
34. Most people play soccer just for kicks!
35. Is pushing my luck considered exercise?
36. Sometimes I wake up crabby and sometimes I let her sleep
37. If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic
38. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. If there’s not, then it is not a tunnel
39. Why can’t you play cards on a small boat? Because someone is always sitting on the deck
40. Ever stop to think and then forget to start again?
41. The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese
42. I want to go to IKEA and hide in a wardrobe, wait for someone to open it and shout, “Welcome to Narnia!”
43. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationary
44. People who jump off bridges in Paris are in Seine
45. Writing with a broken pencil is pointless
46. I was given batteries free of charge
47. A will is a dead giveaway
48. Why did the alligator wear a vest? It was in invest- a- gator
49. Can February march? No but April may
50. What did Tennesee? The same thing that Arkansas
51. What did Delaware? Idaho – her New Jersey?
52. Did you hear the rumor about butter? I’m not going to spread it
53. The guy who made lifesavers made a mint
54. A person who tells dad jokes and does not have kids is a faux pas
55. I know some jokes about retired people but none of them work
56. If you see a robbery at the Apple store, are you an I-Witness?
57. There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand Binary and those who don’t
58. Bad puns are how eye roll
59. Where was Solomon’s Temple located? On the side of his head
60. A missionary’s favorite car is a convertible
61. Why did Noah punish the chickens on the ark? They were using fowl language
62. Who is the shortest man in the Bible? Not Zacchaeus. Not Knee-highamiah Not Bildad the Shoe height. Peter was able to sleep on his watch.
63. My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?” And I told him, “No it doesn’t!”

And a few extra:

• When you’re down by the sea and an eel bites your knee that’s a moray
• If you suck at playing the trumpet, that’s probably why
• I tried to grab the fog but I mist
• Irony – the opposite of wrinkly
• Crushing Pop cans is soda pressing
• I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why
• Despite the high cost of living it remains popular
• My mood ring is missing and I am not sure how I feel about that
• Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners but catscan
• Mountains are just funny, they’re hill areas