Sapphire Anniversary #45 – Mohlers est. 1980
Sapphire Memories – It has been 45 trips around the Sun since we pledged our love before God and it wasn’t long enough. Sometimes the days fly by. The last anniversary with Jim was 15 years ago. It has been a long time and occasionally the loneliness is unbearable. Grief is so isolating. I still scroll through my phone’s social media or photos looking for a new picture of us, as I try to relive moments from our past. I am homesick for a home I will never be able to return: Jim. I am so grateful for the marriage I enojoyed and the memories sustain me and fill me up! Until we meet again I will miss him for the rest of this life. Yet it is all about perspective – If a day is as 1000 years, as the Bible says, then it has only been a weekend since Jesus was here on earth, so 15 years, or 45, or even 100 is minuscule by comparison! I guess it has only been the equivalent of a few hours since we were together last!!
Sometimes I am asked if I would ever marry again and I have 2 responses; Jim ruined the possibility by being so amazing and the love of my life and I am frankly too tired. It was hard work breaking him in! Once I was asked if it is hard to go to weddings or watch other couples in love and it isn’t; but, I am sad when it seems that other couples are taking each other for granted. They have such opportunity that I no longer have and that makes me crazy. I want to shake them and remind them of what they have; but maybe they do not have what I had anyway! I do wish I had a widow’s heart while Jim was still alive and had appreciated and valued him more.
Someday I will see Jim’s face in the crowd. Of course, my eyes and my heart will be immediately drawn to him, and I imagine that he and I will catch each other’s eye with a loving glance. I will be in another’s arms – the arms of the One who has held me for all my life – but I still look forward to the long hello and embrace of the one who held me in this one.
We won’t be husband and wife anymore – marriage is just a picture of the reality in which we will both be standing for all eternity. Even still, since the marriage relationship is so valuable both as an image, an eternal covenant and an essential part of God’s plan for redemption in this life, I am hopeful that there will still be pieces of the deep communion with my partner I once shared in the life to come.
Until then, I reflect on our love and the family we started 45 years ago. Today is our Sapphire Anniversary!
Since we said yes
A long time ago
Plans have changed and dreams have died
Promises still linger in quiet spaces
Hope is still perched in my soul singing ever on
I still look for Jim in places and people and dreams
Returning never to the life we once shared but longing for the one to come
Eternity has already begun yet my wait feels endless.
30 years of growing, laughing, ministering, praying, creating, kissing, loving, learning, believing, being a team, co-parenting, talking, learning…
15 years since you left – of remembering, crying, grieving and sorrow, of living without you and of chaos loss of routines, schedules, dreams person future without a plan, roadmap instructions – just moving through the chaos to peace
48 years since we met
47 years since we fell in love
46 years since we promised to be each other’s person
45 years since we said yes to each other
Still grateful to have loved you and been loved by you – even for a minute!