In-Ten-se Emotions!

10 months ago Jim left planet earth, at least physically. So much of him remains by virtue of his memory and ministry and the mark he left. I dreamt about him all night – funny stuff  – both humorous and randomly odd! I woke up missing him more than ever!

There have been way too many “firsts” in the last few weeks (31 anniversary, Em’s birthday, beginning of school and college to name a few). Maybe that is why today was especially difficult. Maybe it is because the reality of life solo is a more predominant theme every day.  Maybe it is just because we miss Jim – everything about him. Perhaps that will never fade.

I get impatient with my grief.  I am tired of being stuck, and numb and sad…of feeling lost  and lonely and alone. I think about Abraham who left without knowing where he was going. I wonder if he ever felt like turning around and going “home”  to the familiar. I often wish I could have my “life” back. But he trusted in a good God and wherever he was the first thing he did was build an altar and worship. His “separation and suffering” was turned into grace and healing as he worshiped. I am learning to worship in this new place; This place I do not want to be and I do not hope to stay. It is not easy.

Today I was grateful for the “distraction” of spending time with one of my “kids” from Scottsdale. All those “kids” I have been privileged to know and love have shaped me and nurtured me. I am so blessed by their lives and knowing that God intended us to sharpen one another. What a privilege. What a joy. Glimmers of hope when I don’t see how I am going to make it. Memories dusted off to be cherished once again.