8 months ago Jim inhaled Heaven for the first time!
Today I took off my wedding rings. I don’t know if it is a big deal or not or if I will put them back on eventually . I guess it was a way of closing a door that I didn’t want to close. I need help to believe I am no longer married. I am single. A widow. The partnership is dissolved. That chapter in the story is finished. I think I felt that by taking off such a significant symbol it would help me no longer “feel” married. I am trying hard not to be “in love” with Jim anymore. I will always love him, but being “in love” is really something for only the living. Being “in love” with a dead man keeps me too tied to the past, wishing for what we had together.
I still wonder when I won’t notice that it is the 5th anymore. This one is glaring at me today. I miss my husband like crazy. I am well aware that I had one really great guy – he was godly, dedicated, loyal, honest, fun, smart, magical, charming, funny, laid-back, respectable, hard-working, entertaining, creative, musical, relaxed, witty, spiritual, wise, a worshiper of God & philosophical. He was a Barnabas- an encourager and loved to see others shine. He was a leader. He was a great kisser. He treated me like I was worthy. He took care of me and the kids. He loved me deeply and made sure I knew it.
I miss his gaze. I miss his touch. I miss his humor. I miss his voice. Oh how I miss his voice. I miss his smile. I miss his laugh. I miss his kisses. I miss his silliness. I miss his presence.
I still feel incredibly lost. My identity was so entwined with Jim’s. I loved being a team. My career was Our career. Our children. Our friends. Our home. Our ministry. Our finances. Now it is all up to me and I feel very inadequate without Jim’s wisdom and input. In fact, I never gave much thought about how much of life we did together. It was natural. It was comfortable. I still refer to so many things as “ours” or myself as “us.” I say, “Jim and I” a lot as well. I think that is normal. It is, however becoming more natural for me to say, “my,” “me” and just “I.” I hate that. Jim was my best friend. My partner. So, it is strange to move in any direction alone. I have never really been alone. I need help carving out some new dreams and finding my purpose. The verse that continues to resound in my head is Jer. 29:11-13 and 1 Cor. 2:7 “His secret purpose framed from the beginning is to bring us to our full glory.” I know that is true so I trust that one day I will actually have my faith become sight and I will see a glimmer of what God is doing on my behalf.
So that was a long explanation for why the change in adornments – not that anyone asked or even noticed!