My biggest fear
One thing I was often fearful of was that I loved Jim too much and so God would take him from me. Then my worst fear came true. I know that is not accurate because I know that is not what God is like. And yet, on really dark days I still wonder if there is some truth to it. I am so glad that doubt is not the opposite of faith. Sight is. Because I cannot see my way through this valley I am forced to put my full weight down on the One who can carry me through. And still, I often have a hard time in daily communion with the One carrying me. I am not sure why other than I have not figured out how to run the race solo yet, or I don’t want to, or I am not sure I can. Still healing from such a great loss. Still learning to live with a broken heart. Still overwhelmed and lonely. Still lost.
“They” (friends who are further down the road in the widow club) say that the second year is the hardest and that I will feel better. That renews my hope! Until then I remind myself that I do not have to live the rest of my earthly life alone; just today.