My biggest fear

One thing I was often fearful of was that I loved Jim too much and so God would take him from me.  Then my worst fear came true.  I know that is not accurate because I know that is not what God is like. And yet, on really dark days I still wonder if there is some truth to it.  I am so glad that doubt is not the opposite of faith.  Sight is.  Because I cannot see my way through this valley I am forced to put my full weight down on the One who can carry me through.  And still, I often have a hard time in daily communion with the One carrying me.  I am not sure why other than I have not figured out how to run the race solo yet, or I don’t want to, or I am not sure I can.  Still healing from such a great loss.  Still learning to live with a broken heart.  Still overwhelmed and lonely.  Still lost.

“They” (friends who are further down the road in the widow club) say that the second year is the hardest and that I will feel better.  That renews my hope! Until then I remind myself that I do not have to live the rest of my earthly life alone; just today.