I’m Thirsty
I am not sure what this will look like as I blog, but I am sensing a need to thirst after God in 2016. For whatever reason, which I could pinpoint but do not care to limit it to that, I have not really been thirsty for God in recent memory and therefore my soul has been rather dry. Too little attention to communion with God has caused my spiritual soul to shrivel up. I kind of feel that way about a variety of things at this stage of my life, but now it is time to change the trajectory of my life.
“How blessed are all those who long for Him,” says the prophet Isaiah. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled” says Jesus in Matt 5:6. Psalm 42:1-2 prayed, “As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.” I think it is a blessing to thirst. When I have gone off caffeine, I crave it at first. When I have decided to stop drinking diet soda, I wonder if I can do it because it seems like nothing else will satisfy, but after time, I don’t miss it and when I taste it again, it tastes too sweet and does not really satiate my thirst. Likewise, when I lose something, finding something else as I am looking for the lost item is rewarding but it does not make me stop hunting for the one thing I started looking for; if I have mislaid my keys, I don’t think I can start the car with my chapstick!
When I lost my mate, I just got lost. Lost in sorrow and grief. Lost without direction. Lost and alone. LOST. I would also say that in the midst of the reduced visibility grief causes I lost sight of God too. Occasionally the fog would lift and I would get perspective, but then the mist would overtake the path again. Even though I knew (and sometimes experienced) the empathy of God, I was not willing to let Him comfort me. Completely disoriented I learned to get through each day by God’s patient and steadfast grace and some of my own stubborn strength. It took a long time to realize that Christ was still the head of our home and I could trust His leadership. And while the murkiness has lifted and the intense grief has become fewer and farther between (The torrents of tears have become a trickle and there are no longer boxes of Kleenex ALL over the house), I have come to realize that I need new traditions and routines, not just for holidays but patterns for everyday. It dawned on me at the 5 year mark that some of things I have put off and ignored, because we did them together, need a reboot. Being a widow is not a problem to be solved or something to “overcome”; rather, it is as much a calling from the Lord as being a team in ministry was. I am learning to find the real strength to keep walking with the Lord and for His glory as I reach for that day.
So, all this is to say that I am thirsty. For God. I know that only He can fill me and restore me but that I need to come to the living water and drink. And I hope to share some of that refreshment on Thirsty Thursdays.