God, Hold the pieces of my heart!
2 Cor. 2:7 “God’s secret purpose framed from the very beginning is to bring us to our full glory”
I know that everyone has regrets. No way around it. It has been my goal, however, to live with as few of them as possible. That said, I do hold that idea in tension with the phrase, “if you could do anything over again in life, what would you do differently?” I have come to realize that every decision has consequences that reach farther than we can imagine. Even the smallest choice we make, if changed, would result in a future very different than we might expect. It may seem as though I am rambling but I do have a point and that is I have recently thought something that I very much regret. I have been thinking that I actually could have written a better ending to Jim’s story than God did. If I could I would change the outcome…I would do it differently.
Wow! My arrogance is stunning. Quite nauseating actually. Not only does God have a plan, he has a good and perfect purpose to bring us to GLORY! Unbelievable! I am humbled by the fact that God is and always has been the blessed controller of all things. Even my circumstances. Even the outcomes. The reality is that if I had written the story, there is no telling how it would come out and it would probably be worse. It certainly would not be better than perfect. God is the author and finisher of my faith. If it were up to me, life would be different, but it isn’t for which I am grateful. Yes, I am grateful. Even though I am sad and lonely, even though I miss Jim terribly, even though I question my future everyday, I am glad to know beyond a doubt that every one of my days was ordained and recorded in his book. Thankful!
I am doing okay. I do continue to scream to myself that ‘I can’t do this’ as struggle through this valley! But I am learning that I can survive this, because I have – one day at a time. Still, I wake up each morning and ask God to give Jim a hug and a kiss for me. And I hand the Lord my broken heart, asking Him to hold it for me.
August 5, 2011. 9 months ago today was one of the holiest experiences of my life…Jesus literally came into our home and carried Jim to heaven.
My prayers are with you three as always… Much love to you all.
He is still there…just listen for his laughter in a corny joke…or listen for him in Clayton’s voice (as he continues to become a man more and more)…or in the gestures and body language of your kids…or in the lives of all those wo whom Jim ministered. (I mean, some of them can still remember/tell Jim jokes, that should tell you something!)
Jim is with us, just in a different way than he used to be. He has left an indelible imprint on all of us who knew and loved him so perhaps God is just giving you new vision capabilities…to see in a different way the presence of Jim in your life. Not x-ray Superman vision. Not 20-20 vision (we left that one behind years ago) but a new type of vision. The ability to see Jim in others and in the world around you…to know he would have loved a certain new song…or a perfect outta-the-oven scone…or a just right blend of tea. To “see” doesn’t always mean with our eyes…in this case we see Jim with our hearts and that NEVER goes away….Just a thought.
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