God, Hold the pieces of my heart!
2 Cor. 2:7 “God’s secret purpose framed from the very beginning is to bring us to our full glory”
I know that everyone has regrets. No way around it. It has been my goal, however, to live with as few of them as possible. That said, I do hold that idea in tension with the phrase, “if you could do anything over again in life, what would you do differently?” I have come to realize that every decision has consequences that reach farther than we can imagine. Even the smallest choice we make, if changed, would result in a future very different than we might expect. It may seem as though I am rambling but I do have a point and that is I have recently thought something that I very much regret. I have been thinking that I actually could have written a better ending to Jim’s story than God did. If I could I would change the outcome…I would do it differently.
Wow! My arrogance is stunning. Quite nauseating actually. Not only does God have a plan, he has a good and perfect purpose to bring us to GLORY! Unbelievable! I am humbled by the fact that God is and always has been the blessed controller of all things. Even my circumstances. Even the outcomes. The reality is that if I had written the story, there is no telling how it would come out and it would probably be worse. It certainly would not be better than perfect. God is the author and finisher of my faith. If it were up to me, life would be different, but it isn’t for which I am grateful. Yes, I am grateful. Even though I am sad and lonely, even though I miss Jim terribly, even though I question my future everyday, I am glad to know beyond a doubt that every one of my days was ordained and recorded in his book. Thankful!
I am doing okay. I do continue to scream to myself that ‘I can’t do this’ as struggle through this valley! But I am learning that I can survive this, because I have – one day at a time. Still, I wake up each morning and ask God to give Jim a hug and a kiss for me. And I hand the Lord my broken heart, asking Him to hold it for me.
August 5, 2011. 9 months ago today was one of the holiest experiences of my life…Jesus literally came into our home and carried Jim to heaven.