I am not sure why but time seems to dull the senses, curb enthusiasm and stifle joy. I have the depressing capacity for getting tired of the wonder, of taking life’s moments and pleasures for granted. No matter how hard I try to rail against it, I miss amazing and beautiful things that God has given because I am not paying attention or because I am caught in the busy and I just don’t notice. Even worse, I don’t believe those gifts were meant for me so I never open and treasure them! Life is a cereal instead of a celebration of God’s faithfulness and omnipresence.
Likewise, somehow I have lost my excitement for ministry. The thrill of serving has seeped away. The energy and enthusiasm that renewed my strength and recharged inner power are gone. I have lost heart. Over the last few years, without even realizing what was happening, I have come to believe some pretty negative things about myself. The negative attitudes of others about my age, my gender and my abilities have become a self fulfilling prophecy as I have practiced negative self-talk until I believe I am meant to live in the margins and I don’t have value. So now, I miss out because I don’t think I am worthy. I have found myself imagining walking away from this known life but I am not sure that place will change the damage that time does. Nonetheless, I think I need an overhaul. I am weary. I am asking God to allow me to hear his voice whispering His love for me and that I would believe Him enough to try again.
PS – Need a job that will pay me enough to live above the poverty level.