I need a new word

Sometimes I miss you because you made me laugh

Sometimes I miss you because I have a question that I know you would be able to answer

I miss someone else helping me with chores and responsibilities; making goals, plans and sharing plans and my day at the end of it.

I miss cooking and family routines. I miss your wisdom and your smile.

Of course, I miss you every day and I can get by missing those things and millions of other fading memories.  

The one thing I miss most is something deeper and bigger that aches all the time. It feels indescribable because it is so complex and special. I think there is no word for it, but intimacy is close. I don’t mean physical intimacy (although that is sometimes true). It is the oneness of us that I cannot erase and I can’t seem to remove from the very core of my being and go back to the me that existed before us.

Intimacy means “in-to-me-see”; it is the sense of union and mixing of life on life. Connection. Since you went away no one has looked into my heart to see who I really am. No one knows me the way that you did. I miss hearing your heartbeat. I am lonesome for the aliveness that came when we found each other. I miss knowing you so completely that I could see myself better. Thank you for making the load of walking the earth a little lighter for a while.

Walking the rest of the way would be unbearable without the One who knows me even more intimately than you. God makes me feel known in a way that no one on earth is able now that you are gone.